Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Diary of an Ungrateful Bitch

I have so many flaws. I am super needy, don't go to the gym very often, yell at kids on occasion and go to bed without washing my face (and then complain about zits....). But I guess most of those things can be forgiven. Lately I've been feeling super lonely and depressed. It's not all the time, so I don't think I need medication or anything, but it still sucks. I'll have a fun weekend surrounded by my friends, and then Monday rolls around and I feel so alone, like I have nothing fun to do, like no one wants to hang out with me...blah, blah, blah. What I'm realizing is I have one HUGE, GLARING FLAW that needs to be fixed. Why am I such an ungrateful bitch? My desire for a relationship is so huge that it is consuming my life. I think about it way too much. Maybe its true what they say--you won't find love until you stop looking. Either way, I have so many other wonderful opportunities, people and things (yes, material goods) in my life that I need to be more grateful for.

I'll start with my relationships. I might not have a boyfriend, but I have lovely, supportive and hilarious friends. There is so much to be said for having people in your life who are there for you no matter what, and who you want to be there for, too. I know I really love someone when I will travel around Salt Lake City on foot trying to figure out a way to get them into their locked car for free. Or when you let them plus their smelly dog sleep in your bedroom while you sleep on the couch. Whatever I'm doing is fine because I enjoy their company more than anything.

How grateful I am to have been blessed with great friends. As an extravert, I thrive on the company of others and that is how I am happy. Thank you friends who put up with that extremely needy part of me, and who are with me all the time. I'm always shocked at how little time it takes for me to feel lonely. It's seriously like 40 minutes, but I'm working on extending it. My dear friend Hunter is so dear to me for many reasons, but most of all because he encourages me to be happy. It's so important to have friends that always tell you to do what makes you happy (after they listen to you bitch and complain). On the other hand, I know I have a best friend in Cait because she hates who I hate and loves who I love. She is on my team 100% of the time, and that is a true friend, too.

Family is good, too. My Dad called ME the other night and we talked for 8 minutes. Can't tell you how monumental that was. My Mom is my best friend (shit girls say) and we talk most days. Thank the Lord for my parents. My sister is 1000% crazy, but she is there for me, too. She even embarked on said trek around Salt Lake City in search of a Toyota dealership after giving her best effort to help break in to the car. <3 our little Jimmy Rigger. And my brother, I can only say good things about. Missionary, angel, do-gooder to the max.

Things! All the things! I have a LOT of shit you guys. Dresser, closet, CLOTHES HUT full of clothes. My macbook (my baby), car, etc. I love it. Life would suck without it. I might be dirt poor, but I have assets. And parents who have money. There is a lot to be said for that....

This brings me to my last and most exciting point. I recently found out that I am going to be a real live teacher next fall! Sometimes I forget or more often, I think it isn't real. BUT YOU GUYS-- IT IS REAL! I had another meeting just today about it. I'm so happy. I can't even find words to tell you how happy I am (shit girls say). But it's like finally it all makes sense. For the past year and a half I have been wondering what the point of my life is and why I am still in Utah and why I make no money. I was in the middle of applying to grad school (btw, I got in) when I got this job offer. I am going to be starting my career in 6 months! That is so much sooner than I ever expected. I love love love my job. It's hard for me to imagine anyone loving their job as much as I love mine. And it will only get better when I get to make my own rules and rule the roost in my own classroom. Even though it is in Utah.

So why the hell am I complaining and why the hell do I think life is so hard? Yes, I am sick to freaking death of being single. And yes, I will probably be lonely in 40 minutes. But I'm blessed. And I'm going to try and be more of a grateful bitch from now on.

By the way, my classroom theme is going to involve birds (!) and I am accepting donations for my classroom library. :)